?I?ve?ogled more weird watermelon-boob brides than you can poke a bonbonniere candy stick at??
Two years ago today, Cal and I made 350 people promise to help us stay married.
Kind of like a pre-nuptial agreement, only you don?t get anything if it doesn?t work out?
To clarify, on our wedding day (30.10.10) we invited our guests to promise to uphold us as we endeavoured to fulfil our covenant vows to each other.
This is a little known and oft misunderstood aspect of the Christian marriage ceremony, but over the last two years I?ve come to value it as one of the most important.
I have attended in the order of 80 -100 weddings over the past 15 years, most of which I have participated in.? Singing, bridesmaid, speeches, MC, general wedding dogsbody, usher, chauffeur, slightly inebriated guest, enthusiastic conga line starter etc.
I have seen every shade of pastel, every shade of purple, more diamantes, eaten more overcooked chicken, witnessed more awkward moments and ogled more weird watermelon-boob brides than you can poke a bonbonniere candy stick at.
I can pretty much recite the ceremony, vows and predict just about every single thing that will happen in a wedding ceremony ? awkward supposed-to-be-funny top tips for marriage read by a poorly prepared groomsman, meaningful bible verse read by a nervous cousin, sappy poem read by a teary sister, profound words offered by Oprah/Maya Angelou/CS Lewis etc.
I know the drill.
But not a lot of people stop and think about the power of what I like to call The People?s Promise (TPP).
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The People?s Promise
For those of you wondering, the TPP happens after the vows and goes a little something like this:
?Family and friends: Do you pledge your support and encouragement to the covenant commitment X and X have made here today?? Will you uphold them in prayer and love so their marriage will grow strong and bear witness to the love and kindness of God??
With any luck, most people will say ?we do? and mean it.
Because here?s the thing:? Being married to your best friend is ace.? You can have all the romantic kitchen spatula fights you like and make all your single friends simultaneously loathe you and envy you all the same time.? You can buy houses, name your unborn children, go travelling and have all sorts of newlywed adventures, but I can categorically say that it would go to hell in a handcart without TPP.
A big call, I grant you, but hear me out.
Princess Di famously said there were always three people in her marriage but judging by how things turned out, that probably wasn?t enough.
Cal and I have 350 people in ours and things are going swimmingly.? Sure, it gets a little crowded at bedtime, but it?s worth it.
I?m kidding, but what I?m getting at is that the past two years of marriage have taught me that our relationship simply won?t work if it?s just me and Cal.? We are awesome (naturally), but we are not enough for each other.
Anyone waxing romantical, spouting lines like ?you?re all I need? and ?if I have you, I have everything? and ?our love is the fire that keeps me burning? is both extremely annoying, incredibly foolish and/or a liar.
The reality is that if our covenant relationships boiled down solely to a series of interactions between two people, a number of things would happen including ? but not limited to:
- Boredom
- Loss of perspective
- Lack of accountability
- Settling
- Insularity
This may sound like a fairly sad indictment on relationships, but we are pack animals; designed for community.? My relationship with Callum is enriching and fruitful because we have invited others to help us be our best for each other.
The boys?
Cal needs time with the boys, time with women who aren?t his wife, and adventures with people other than me.? He needs to learn and grow and be tested without me always factoring in the equation.
And the same is true for me.? We cannot be a sun around which the other is locked in to orbit.? We need to be more of a Milky Way ? a vast expanse of experiences, opportunities and discoveries all headed in the one direction.
the girls verifying my lack of mammaries?
You will never be enough for one person and they will never be enough for you.??
Callum is a better husband for having people in his life who are committed to helping him be the best version of himself.? He is a better husband when he has his own pursuits and his own interests (aka fantasy sport) that have nothing to do with me (and if it?s fantasy sport I can?t even describe how much I don?t want to know about it).
I am a better wife for having people in my life who allow me to experience life in a different context than my marriage.
This isn?t to say that our lives are a completely open book to anyone and everyone, but it?s about us choosing to interact with good people who can stimulate and inspire us, give us fresh perspective, tell us when we?re acting like idiots and encourage us to be better versions of ourselves.
Our marriage is sweeter, more enriching and more intimate because of the people and pursuits we have outside of each other.
And this is why we asked our wedding guests to make TPP.
Not because they have it all together ? like you and me, they are mostly mental ? but because collectively, they add a beautiful perspective, boundary, insight and encouragement that every marriage sorely needs.
So if you are at a wedding ceremony and someone asks you to make TPP, consider it a deep honour.? You will never know how profound an impact your promise will make on a marriage.
Yours on my wedding anniversary, or possibly a few days after depending on when I get around to posting this,
LK x
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Source: http://fruitfulbird.com/2012/11/02/how-you-can-save-a-marriage/
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